Brian Tucker: The agony and the ecstacy of Texan secession

This now-classic image by American photographer Donald Mason captures a defining moment in this nation’s political history. Never have so many been so stupid, yet still allowed to vote.

(Editor’s note: Texas secessionists claim the state – once the Republic of Texas – has the right to secede under the terms of its 1845 annexation by the United States. However, Insider Louisville can find no such clause.)

A couple of weeks ago, everyone was talking about a few meaningless petitions making the rounds in southern states in the wake of President Barack Obama’s re-election.

One even advocated Kentucky secession. The most popular and heavily mocked petition was that of Texas’ secession from the United States, and I found that one to be of special interest.

But then, I am known to have a sick sense of humor about these sorts of things.

Apparently, Texans have been at this for a while – since 1876, to be exact.

They say time heals all wounds, so since they’ve had a while to calm down, I thought I’d check in on the now all-but-forgotten hayseeds who started this latest round of backwoods buffoonery.

Predictably, they have not moved on. Emboldened by “media inquiries,” these Texans have become even more determined to press on and drop out of the Union.

Currently, they boast more than 100,000 signatures on the 2012 petition. That’s four-tenths of one percent of Texas’ population to you and me.

By contrast, there are more people in Utah who have paid a hooker to whip them with a sock full of chicken fat than have signed the Texas petition.

There are many people (called “good” Texans) who are hesitant to talk about the subject, citing some fear of legitimizing the idea – even though Texas governor Rick Perry sort of accidentally endorsed it during the Republican primary.

One Louisville-based Texan living in exile and speaking on the condition of anonymity tells me, “I’d like to take whoever thought of that petition and slap the sh*# out of him. Probably lives in one of them trailer parks in Tyler. Buncha’ meth freaks without a pot to piss in.”

Like all good train wrecks, this “movement” also has its share of entrepreneurial start-ups looking to cash in on the irony.  This guy is selling “Texas Secede” bumper stickers for $2 American dollars, promptly delivered to you via the United States Postal Service.


Consider the evidence:

Texas gave us the Dallas Cowboys, Enron, and a big open space where NASA could practice the crash-landing of spacecraft.

They also gave us George W. Bush.

That alone is enough for me to leave Texas to the Mexican drug gangs who would immediately overwhelm any number of Buford T. Justice types who may arise to defend the turf.

Just imagine– as soon as the American border is altered, our military withdrawn from Fort Hood and other massive bases, our postal workers and other treasure evacuated, the only thing left between Laredo and Lubbock will be a heavily-armed gang of Mexican pimps from Juarez, screaming “Amarillo by Morning!”

That scenario is almost romantic enough to make me sign the damn thing myself.

Texas secession?

We ought to be throwing them out.