What’s left to say about the man who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake? He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so there’s really no reason to change your ways now, for goodness sake. Either you’re getting the 55-inch 4K HD TV you asked for on Friday, or you’re getting a Chillary Clinton beer coozie.
Santa Claus runs his empire like an H&R Block — busy for three months, vacationing in Cancun for nine. His best friends are reindeer; he’s convinced an army of elves to do his dirty work; he spends zero time at the gym; and yet we smile when we see him and leave cookies and sometimes bourbon out for him when we don’t. The man is more beloved than Oprah and spreads more happiness than opium.
Insider was able to steal five minutes from Santa’s busy schedule to talk about his upcoming total world domination on the night of Dec. 24. He says he’s been practicing the chimney luge, and with the invention of AstroGlide, it’s now a breeze to get down chimneys of all shapes and sizes.
Kentucky is one of his favorite stops, he admits, mostly because people kindly leave out bourbon and a slice of Derby pie — “sometimes I’ll even get that mound of goodness you people call a Hot Brown,” he says with a chuckle.
As his elves finish those last-minute Olive Garden gift card requests and his reindeer fuel up on Red Bull, Santa answered some very important questions …
What’s the most surprising thing on your Bucket List?
Oh wow. That’s a tough one. I suppose I’d like to — just once — walk into a mall and not be recognized. And I’d like my snowmen friends to experience the beach.
What poster was on your wall in junior high?
I had a map of the world covered in stickers of all the places I wanted to visit. Little did I know I’d actually get to all these cities and countries on a yearly basis.
If you were mayor, to whom would you give the key to the city?
The mayor of Louisville? Those are some pretty big shoes to fill. Greg Fischer has been a good boy his entire life, I’m happy to report. But according to my elves, there’s one person in your city who probably deserves six keys by now — and that’s my favorite on-air news personality Dawne Gee. She often helps me out when I’m in town — delivering gifts, passing the cash, saving babies. A hug from Dawne is warmer than Rudolph’s nose, if you can believe it.
What are your preferred pizza toppings?
Hamburger, bacon and cookie dough.
If you could be any age for a week, what would it be?
Ho ho no! Probably when I was 124 — I had just moved to the North Pole and met Mrs. Claus. She owned a bakery and would give me free cookies every morning on my way to sweep out chimneys.
What famous person do people say you resemble the most?
In my younger days, it was Uncle Jesse from “Full House.” Now it’s Uncle Jesse from “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
Who would you most like to be stuck with in an elevator?
Well, as you know, I prefer chimneys to elevators. But to answer your question, I’d love to get to know the Keebler elves better — so if I could spend a few moments alone with them in a shared space, I think we’d find we have a lot in common. I want to know their secrets to making a good cookie, and I have yet to track those little boogers down. I want them to know they’re always welcome in my village.